Return of the Uber Sue
by Margolo Blu
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow has to find 99 souls, avoid the Kraken and settle his debt with Davy Jones, but it looks like he has a more serious issue to deal with. Shot Four


_Just a quick little write..._

**Return of the Uber Sue**

Captain Jack Sparrow paced back and forth on the deck of his beloved Black Pearl. The night was calm, the waters along the shore gentle, their pats against the side of the ship were the only sounds to accompany him. He was deep in thought, thinking about mathematics…but then again math was not Captain Jack Sparrow's strong point, and it definitely was not his love, so it was only a matter of time before his mind wandered to other things…

_99 souls…_

_99 souls to collect…_

_99…hmm…_

"Hmm, that gives me an idea," Captain Jack Sparrow said, holding his hand up to the night sky, talking to the waters of the ocean. Quickly he hurried down to the brig of the ship, down into the dripping, seaweed laden shades. "Ahh…"

Between to mildew coated crates he spotted the little barrel. Quickly he snatched it up.

"99 barrels of rum on the wall, 99 barrels of rum, take one down and—"_ gulp "_—pass it around. Oh 98 barrels of rum on the wall, 98 barrels of rum on wall, take one down and—" _gulp _"—pass it around. Oh 97 barrels of rum on the wall, 97 barrels of rum on the wall…"

Somewhere between the forty-third and forty-second barrel of rum on the wall, something scratched through the shadows. A furry shadow danced in the fading light of the lantern.

"Damn bilge rats," Captain Jack Sparrow hiccupped at the shadows. He brought the barrel up to his lips and took a deep draught. "Damn…I lost count. Oh well, no shame in starting at the beginning! 99 barrels of rum on the wall, 99 barrels of rum—"

The rotting crates fell down, collapsing upon impact with the ship's flooring. Bilge rats were notoriously large—about the size of your average household tabby, or guinea pigs, with tails…and fangs—but they were not large enough to knock over crates, they were pretty damn close, but Captain Jack Sparrow knew no rat could knock those crates down with such force. A hand crawled from the shadows, pulling itself and the body attached to it through the spongy remains of the crates. Another webbed hand clawed across the floor. A mess of hair, thick, wavy, and as healthy appearing as kelp beds—the kind of kelp bends that sea otters use to anchoring themselves to the ocean floor—covered the unseen face, which was facing the ground.

"Ah!" Captain Jack Sparrow said and dropped the barrel. He looked down at his alcohol soaked feet. He shook the rum from his fingers. "Bugger."

The creature pulled itself foward, dragging its body along the rough flooring, sounding like parmigiano reggiano, on any other particularly hard cheese, on a grater. Like Samara from The Ring, the creature closed in on Captain Jack Sparrow, making hissing sounds with each step. Captain Jack Sparrow began to back away when he slipped on the rum and fell flat on his bum.

"Bugger…" he said. Captain Jack Sparrow pushed himself backwards, using the rum as lubricant and scooting himself across the floor towards the steps. He looked back at the steps…they seemed too far away, and then at the creature, dragging itself to him, it was getting closer. Come on…he scooted even harder, grinding his teeth. Thud! He hit a post. He kicked at the creature at its grabbing finned hands. Then it grabbed his ankle, tightly gripping it. Its head flew up.

The thick, golden curls, thick and curling like kelp but as gold as ripening wheat in a sunkissed field parted, to reveal the face, as white and smooth as a pearl. A pair of ruby red fins rested on the top of its head, the beautiful red fins of an oarfish. The rest of its body was built like the mermaid on the Chicken of the Sea tuna cans. Large blue eyes, the color of a star of India and sparkling like Tinkerbelle's wand, opened up. The soft, full, pouting, ruby grapefruit flesh colored lips parted…

"HELLO MY BELOVED!"

The voice was not the melodious voice of Ariel…it was more like a borderline Scuttle the seagull.

"Ah!" Captain Jack Sparrow winced. He quickly wretched himself from the creature's grip and pulled himself up. "Do I know…um…know you…young…uh…woman…lady, yeah lady…no, that's not the word I'm looking for…uh…girl…uh…creature of what I am amusing is a feminine nature?"

The mermaid pulled herself up, a surprising feat, on her fish tail, nearly toppling over. She flapped her arms like a bird, attempting to remain still. It was quiet as Captain Jack Sparrow watched her right herself. She straightened herself, and sighed with relief. She then threw herself at the captain. Captain Jack Sparrow sniffed the air. The smell of the ocean, the smell of the dank brig, mildew, and his rum was gone, instead the fruity smell of Herbal Essences citrus mango shampoo and conditioner for dyed hair wafted through the corridors. Captain Jack Sparrow glanced down at the mermaid like thing, with its arms wrapped around him.

"Oh Captain Jack Sparrow! I have searched the seas for you! I am your beloved! I am Lorelei Lechuga Seabreeze Goldenclouds Otter-Eyes of the Pacific Kelp Fields, and I have come for you!" she exclaimed. Captain Jack Sparrow began to back off. Lorelei nearly toppled over again. She fought viciously to keep herself from tumbling over.

"Um…what are you and why are you after me again…I'm pretty sure I haven't met you before," he said. Then he looked her over. "Nope, I haven't met you before…definitely not in Singapore. They don't have women like you in Singapore."

"Oh Captain Jack Sparrow, I have hunted for you my entire life! As a child my ship was sunk and everyone in my family and aboard the boat drowned, but me, a small babe only a few months of age, upon the sinking of my vessel, Davy Jones appeared to collect the dead, and upon finding me, floating in my crib close to death, he could kill me nor could he leave me to die, and being such a young babe, so fragile so innocent, he did not risk taking me aboard his ship where his crew most likely would rip me apart, or the work of the ocean would harden my cherubic body and take away my innocence, instead he gave immortality, he gave me this body, and left me in the kelp fields to fend for myself, while I lived in kelp fields I heard stories from passing ships about you, about your amazing adventures and your passion of the ocean, and I fell in love with that passion you had for the ocean, for it was just as strong as my passion for the ocean, and so I went to search for you, and I have been searching and searching, and as I traveled the oceans and seven seas, which there are not just seven seas, there are lot more than that, I taught myself to walk, which is quite painful, but I had to learn…just for you..." she brought her mouth close to his, her lips open, her breath smelling like Listerine and ranch potato chips… "my captain."

"You know what Miss…um…Lorelei Lechuga so and so and so forth and whatever, I'm sure you are a nice girl-thing, but you know I don't love the ocean…as much as you have come to think," Captain Jack Sparrow said and began to hurry towards the steps. Lorelei fell over. Dishes loudly clattered.

"Oh Captain Jack Sparrow," she cried out. "How can you leave me like this! I pledge my heart, my soul to you!"

Captian Jack Sparrow was halfway up the stairs. "Soul?"

He hurried back down the steps, tiptoeing over the clatter of the brig and to the mermaid. He held his hand out and helped her back up.

"Okay, Lorelei Something-Something Something-Something, I have a favor to ask of you," he said to her, resting his hands on her shoulder. He made a mock kiss with his lips at her. "I need you to…"

&&&

"I bet you fifty more years that he's not gonna get all the souls."

"Ha! I bet you seventy-fives years he's gonna only get four souls!"

"Bet you an extra sixteen years he's only gonna get two."

"I bet eight."

"Three souls."

"Bet you he takes off."

"Would you be quiet!" Davy Jones roared at his crew. Waves violently rocked the ship. He mumbled, "I've heard harbor seals that made less chatter that you…"

Another wave crashed against the side of ship, but this wave left a loud thud…like a body hitting it.

"Oh great, we hit another sea cow…" Davy Jones mumbled, lowering the scope.

A strained grumbled arose from the side of the ship, a pail arm gripped the railing and Lorelei pulled herself over the railing, coughing and gagging on sea water. Davy Jones quickly pulled the scope up and focused on the mermaid. She picked herself up. She pulled the rotting seaweed off of her body, picked a hermit crab from her hair then carefully fixed her hair and the oarfish tendrils. She turned then waved at Davy Jones.

"HELLLOOOOOOO Davy Jones! Captain Jack Sparrow sent me here to settle his debt! I'm your newest recruit!"

"Oh shi—"


End file.
